ENVY WAS MY ENEMY, HONESTY IS MY REMEDY, HAPPY WILL BE MY DESTINY

Lately, I have been super ungrateful to God. I have spent too much time comparing myself with others. I would lurk on Instagram clicking on stories of those whom I follow. I would look at their day and the activities they post, and from there, envy arises. “How I wish I was doing this! “How I wish I was doing that!” A few moments later, I would scroll through Facebook posts of those with 1000+ likes and 100+ comments. Once more, a sense of emptiness and a feeling of envy would inevitably arise. Indeed, I only have myself to blame for the self-inflicted enemy I created, as well as the unnecessary self-pity to which I succumb on certain times and certain days.

I recently talked with my mom about my feeling down on myself, and boy was that the most intense and concerned she was. The tone was serious and the message was clear: she did not want me to go down like this. At one point, she even asked me if I would really rather be sucked into the quagmire of self-destructive feelings rather than use my energy on the more important goal at hand. She asked me to make a choice and to own it. It’s that point of the semester kasi when the requirements are piling up, but she knew deep down I was totally out of it. I wasn’t smiling, my eyes were shookt and worst of all, kinakabag ako. All these stemming over this deadly and dangerous enemy called envy.

It was a moment when I can say that I felt my parents’ pain. It wasn’t about the grades or school anymore. This very notion that I just labelled myself a helpless loser jolted the heck out of my momma, who at every turn, would tell me and my siblings, how much she believed in our strength and our courage not despite of but because of the challenges that we each face. After our chat, I had myself thinking “Pare, ba’t kinukumpara mo yung buhay mo sa iba? ‘Di naman iyo yun eh? So what kung wala ka masyadong kaibigan, o kung nababasted ka palagi. Parte yan ng buhay.” As much as I did not want my parents telling me head-on that my problems are just plain bullsh*t and minor, I needed to hear that reality check from them if we’re gonna keep it 100.

It was through this talk that made me realize how much I’ve been doubting God all this time. If you guys recall, I was at an all-time low a couple of weeks ago (if y'all haven't checked "The Odd Man Out" blog, it's here: https://delro112897.blogspot.com/2019/03/the-odd-man-out.html), and part of that state of mind I was in was caused by envy and a lack of trust in God. As a true follower of Christ, I must battle the temptation to give in to envy and despair and instead lift up my insecurities and battle scars to Him. Indeed, I have been missing out on the everyday miracles coming my way. I have been ungrateful for the many blessings and wonders which God unfailingly gives me every single day. Darn, I can truly say I have been narcissistic to a certain extent.

If anything, this post-processing has forced me to face myself in all honesty. And as cliché as it sounds, I found that honesty is truly the best policy. I could have easily been denying these things and even lying to those dear to me that I ain’t when clearly, I’m not. It’s easy to just hide in the middle and cover up all my imperfections and insecurities. However, He’s constantly reminding me to be honest and sincere with my current feelings in order for us to resolve it together. And in the process, He has nudged me to stop feeling sorry for myself and instead to start living with purpose and joy. All this would not be possible without the all-important virtue of HONESTY.

So whilst I advise you guys to be completely honest with yourselves, I now challenge y’all to quite being jelly and start being HAPPY. So what if that girl or guy you like is already taken? So what if he/she scores higher than you in a quiz? So what if your classmate has been all over Europe habang ikaw naman ay nasa bahay lang tuwing bakasyon? Bottomline is, both you and God are the real authors and artists of your lives, so if we just stare at our cells and view dem IG stories with envy, we’re just robbing ourselves of the wonderful surprises which God has in store for us. So live and love your life, and learn to believe in God’s magic and wonders. As Joel Embiid would say, “Trust The Process”.

Here's the thing: The decision is yours. It’s always been yours. The freedom to live completely away from the past is just waiting for you. We’re waiting for you. Once you’ve finally let go, everything new is waiting for you. You’ll see how God has never changed his mind on how he can use you immeasurably beyond your own ability and understanding. The offense was forgotten. The shadow of the past has been broken. Life to the fullest has started. It’s blooming and growing. Blooming and growing – you are – Joena San Diego

Keep countin' dem blessings always fam.

Yours truly with honesty, gratitude and joy, 

DEL RO :)