THE ODD MAN OUT

Being an introvert is hard, isn’t it? The fact that you’re all alone in the corner, wondering why you don’t have true legit friends, or the fact that you may seem to have “friends”, but they just come and go as time passes. It’s as if you’re always the “Odd Man Out” all the time, and it can be very frustrating so to speak. I am no stranger to this feeling, and I guess that’s what makes me “The Extraordinary Introvert”, as the blog name suggests. You see, life hasn’t been easy for me in terms of the social aspect of it. You’d think that my childhood was “normal”, given the fact that my family life is not too disruptive and my family members are very supportive of me. It’s just that when I leave home, I feel the more striking effects of my introversion.

My grade school days were just classes-recess-lunch-dismissal-repeat. However, the in-between intervals were the lonely hours for me. These were spent either sitting in a dark corner of the classroom or walking along the corridors while I see other boys and girls playing taguan, kooshball (that was dodgeball of the early 2000s) or basketball. When it did come to class time, my sense of oddity felt heightened, especially when it came to finding a group for groupworks. I would always be one of the last ones to find a group, and even within the group, I’d feel a sense of isolation all the time.

High school was much much worse, to be honest. These same experiences were there, but I felt so demoralized every single day when I would step into the school halls. My oddness would go one step further. I wouldn’t say I was bullied, but it sure felt like it cos I was always everyone’s “Flavor of the Month” when it came to teasing and being the butt of jokes. Every day, I would listen to the sound of my deep voice being distorted or mimicked, and it surely felt like I was not taken seriously at all. You know how high school is all about making lifelong friendships and bonds? I never had that cos I just didn’t seem to fit in given the situation I was in. The physical, mental and emotional beatdown was just too hard to handle for me, yet despite that, I managed to survive four dragging and difficult years.

Thankfully, I didn’t experience any bullying episodes in College, but I still felt the sense that I was all alone again in this final season of my school life. It honestly sucked that I never got to fit in with any “barkada” to whom I would try to reach out. As much as most of you have that one person or group to lean on, I just never got that luxury during these past four years. No barkada, no BFF, certainly no GF, you name it. When I do try reaching out, either other groups listen with deaf ears, or that one new person I try to befriend meets someone nearer and dearer to him/her, and I just seem to end up on the wayside. Even those whom I consider close would sometimes drift away or turn to their closer friends. It’s as if I had done everything to make friends, yet they still choose to befriend others over me. I see Instagram stories or Facebook videos and pictures of people I follow with their loves, BFFs and barkadas. And then there is me, all alone, not knowing who to turn to anymore. It’s as if this supposed wonderful phase just reaffirmed my life as a loner, and this alone is so hard to accept.

“Do these people even know that I’m in their presence? Maybe the world doesn’t need me anymore. Maybe I should just stop trying so hard to seek affirmation and acceptance if they’re just gonna pass by pretending I didn’t exist.” These are just some of the different voices and demons I hear asking these questions and doubting my very existence in this world. As I am about to go out there in the real world in a few months’ time, I keep thinking whether I’m just gonna end up being a loner for life. Maybe it’s for the best. After all, I keep talking to myself at home all the time. It’s weird, but I guess I am my own best friend. I don’t mean to be narcissistic, but maybe that’s just who I am: someone who will just be left in the dust forgotten by whoever I bump into in this world.  

Then I go back to Jesus’ life. Sure, he had 12 “friends” to talk to, but like me, I guess He did not have their full attention at times. Did anyone even bother to pray or eat with Him besides the Last Supper? I’m sure they did, but even His “barkada” had their own clicks and relationships that did not include Jesus in their circle. Heck, even Peter, Jesus’ supposed “BFF”, rejected him thrice when people asked whether he knew him. I guess it just goes to show that Jesus is my one true BFF even if I never see him physically. It’s such a scary and depressing feeling knowing I’ll be going solo from now until the day I meet my potential wife, but being a “loner” has also led me to a realization that I am fully whole, and that I don’t need any friends to discover my wholeness in this life. It definitely would be nice to have a few to lean on, but the truth is, you only have yourself to make this life a well-lived one. Sure, having friends along the way helps, but it’s also noteworthy for me to discover new things and meet other potential “friends” while being alone for the most part.

I guess this is God’s way of telling me to be friends with Him and His Son. With so many things happening in this world, people tend to put Him on the side at times while doing “more important things” like hanging out with their friends. I guess for someone like me, I never needed friends to begin with, because I know He’s beside me during my best and worst of times. He wipes my tears when I cry in the shower. He gives me a pat in the back when I come from a long exhausting day. I mean, who needs friends when you already have the Best One by your side.

While I will be seeing my batchmates taking pictures with their friends and loves on Graduation Day, I honestly won’t be surprised if I see myself drift away from the crowd before, during and after the ceremony. I won’t be surprised at all if no one goes to me for one final selfie or “congrats” message. I’ll totally be ready for the day when I stay in that dark corner once more, wondering if my co-graduates will even remember to spend their final moments with me. The thing is, I should not think about this too much, because not only would I have made it out of College, but I know He and my family love me and are really proud of me, and that’s all that matters above all else.

So to all the introverts and loners out there, everything’s all good. It’s alright to ask for earthly friendships. It’s definitely understandable to look in the mirror and cry in the shower. However, I promise you that you are made beautifully in His image, and that He never wants to see you depressed and lonely. He will be there during your worst days, and He’ll celebrate with you on your life’s accomplishments and milestones. It’s really our choice to make Him our true BEST FRIEND. I know you're up there, telling me "'I'm With You' always."

The Lord became my protector. He brought me out to a place of freedom; He saved me because He delighted in me. –Psalm 18:19-20

Yours Truly,

Del Ro