Waiting Game

The wind pierces through my face as I watch red heart-shaped balloons filling up the sky. I look down on the ground, pretending not to see couples and lovers holding hands, handing out roses and doing all that other lovey duvey bullsh*t. I watch different guys out there surprising their favorite girls, one by one. We’ve come to that time of the year I super hate the most, Valentine Day. Let’s admit it, we all waiting, don’t we? We hate waiting in line. We hate waiting for our test papers to come back so that we can know our scores immediately. For the SJWs (Social Justice Warriors) out there, we hate on “Waiting for the World to Change” (pardon me for the John Mayer reference).

Anyways, Valentines is just a day to remind me that I gotta keep waiting, and waiting, and waiting. But more than that, it honestly makes me feel like an EFFIN LOSER at times. I mean just peep the intro. Girl holds hands with boy here, boy gives balloons and flowers to girl there, “I WUW YEW” posts EVERYWHERE. So yeah, this day keeps triggering me more often than not. However, it’s not just what I don’t have that gets me, but also what I could’ve had or who I could’ve been with. Let’s just say that right now, I’m in the middle of a self-debate, and that is whether to confess to my recent crush or not (I never got to admit to my previous two crushes, so let’s leave it at that). You see, it’s not that I’m doing it just cuz it’s Feb 14, and I understand if the whole world tells me not to do it. Heck, my mom just talked about how to keep my guy-girl friendships at just that level, friendship. However, I feel like I’ve held it for so long, and I’ve never got to tell the past 2 how I really feel, so I feel like it’s about time I get out of my shell and know what it feels like to get rejected up close and personal.

So yeah, all that anticipation and hype to tell this girl I like her, for what, to just get rejected and keep waiting. You see, I never wanted to be “kami” in the first place. It’s more of just an affirmation that I was able to do this for the first time. However, I do know na yung pag-amin kay crush is only successful in movies, and this script of mine is gonna be rip to shreds if that girl just even finds out I like her. That alone is already half the battle lost for me.

Now you see how messed up my mind is. Whether I do decide to tell her or not, we go back to waiting. Back to the dragging days, weeks and hours of constant waiting. And what do I get in the process? More friends getting engaged, more strangers posting pictures of their lovers. Heck, we don’t just have to limit it to love. IG stories are filled with online “friends” happily with their barkada and old BFFs. Then again, there’s me, all alone, waiting for a miracle to happen. I mean, I said it myself, Feb 14 just makes me feel like a F***ING LOSER, and it sucks to be honest. It’s as if my life is sh*t, not knowing what do or who to lean on in times of crisis. It seems that I’ll just be a hopeless romantic after all.

With so much goin’ on in my head and mind, one thing remains clear though: God sees me suffer on this day and the days that come, but He’s the type of guy that’s got my back when sh*t hits the fan. He’s that OG who knows what’s up when I’m down. Though he won’t give the direct solutions, He’s out there giving me the puzzle pieces for me to solve. Yeah, He’s out there supporting me, but by doing so, He’s making me solve these seemingly impossible probs with utter persistence and even ease at times. I know we say that He’s the one in charge at the end of the day, but I guess all these experiences is just His way of preppin’ me for The Big One (not the earthquake, mind you). But it will sure feel like one when I do enter that new environment of loving someone. As much as I don’t wanna make my move too early, I also know that I can’t wait forever, so from here on out, imma just leave it up to him to set the date (double-meaning intended).  If anything, He’s also teaching me not to compare myself with all those who have loved and are about to be in love. It’s hard cos I see it all the time, but it sure is a lesson I must learn ASAP if my life’s gonna be a helluva blast.

So I know that Feb 14 may suck for many of you, but I invite you to look at yourselves in the mirror and to thank our main Lover for giving us His Valentines gift of waking up on the Day of Hearts. It’s hard to be patience, but as the saying goes, “Good things come to those who wait.” I wish y’all a Happy Valentine’s Day. I know that God has already gave me that special someone, I just Haven’t Met You Yet.

Yours Truly,

Del Ro