Gusto Kita, Pero…

Crush is defined as something you “deform, pulverize, or force inwards by compressing forcefully” (thanks, Google). However, if we switch it up to the romantic lenses, this is what you and I feel when we have that deep infatuation toward someone. You like him/her so much that he/she’s the first and only thing that’s on your mind whether you like it or not. On that same token, that’s why hanggang crush lamang yung tawag sa mga tao na sobrang nagugustuhan natin. “Di naman kayo sa huli.” (swerte ka nalang kung yun yung kaso). “Meron naman yang ibang gusto o sinta.” “Di payag yung mga parents natin.” “Hindi pa siya handa.” I guess that’s why we call that boy or girl we like so much a “crush”. At the end of the day, when it’s all said and done, your heart will get “crushed”. But how did we even get here? What gives us these different emotions? Why are there butterflies every time? Why so bubbly? But most of all, ba’t hindi puwede? 

STAGE 1: Pakikipagtagpo (Meeting)

I was soo excited to meet you for the first time ever. And that day did come, and boy was it one for the books. When we both saw each other eye to eye, my heart raced, goosebumps were felt, and my smile widened up. I could not believe that I am actually here, standing right in front of such a fine beautiful girl. We both seemed lost, yet we didn’t seem to care. Nahiya tayo sa isa’t-isa. Nahirapan akong makipag-usap sa’yo o maghanap man lang ng paksa na puwede nating pag-usapan. Ngunit, sa bawat hinto at lakad natin dalawa sa LRT at sa daan, wala lang, natuwa tayo at sobrang enjoy na enjoy ako na sumama ka sa'kin. We didn’t care na siksikan sa LRT. Wala tayong paki na mainit sa labas. It was the best 5 hours I could have ever asked for. The whole time we were together, you were following me around, while I was constantly on the look-out for you. We had that innocent look on our faces, which made my heart full and happy. It’s the little things we did towards one another that mattered most to me. The simple small talk of our school lives, hobbies and books we loved to read. Sure, it’s just 1 of 365, but that particular one was certainly one of the highlights of the year. I surely got Butterflies.    

STAGE 2: Pagkahumaling (Infatuation)

And so the day passed, and we said our goodbyes, signaling the start of everyone’s favorite stage. I absolutely admired every single thing about you. Nagagandahan ako kapag kumakanta ka habang tumutugtog sa iyong gitara. Like seriously, I put your vids on repeat every time you upload a cover on YouTube. That raspy, soft and sweet voice puts me on a very good mood before going to bed. Na-i-inspire din ako sa bawat blog na sinusulat mo bawat linggo. Ang pagbahagi ng buhay at payo mo sa internet ang nagpapabigay lakas-loob sa akin na mamuhay nang mahusay at nang may “purpose”. Minsan nga, naiiyak nga ako kapag binabasa ko yung mga binabahagi mo. Taga-probinsiya ka, isang bagay na nasa bucketlist ko kapag naghahanap ng babaeng iibigan ko habambuhay. It’s as if you came from another world, unfamiliar with the city, but I didn’t seem to care one bit. Higit sa lahat, ang pananampalataya mo sa Diyos ang pinakagusto ko sa’yo. Sa bawat bagay na ginagawa mo, whether it be hiking, singing, blogging, etc, hindi mo kinakalimutang ialay ang mga bagay na ‘to sa Kanya. You didn’t just copy paste bible quotes for the sake of. You truly live ‘em out every day and even come up with your own testimonies that are worth quoting at times.  It seemed like a match made in heaven. Heck, I even dreamed about you the other night. We were walking together again, similar to how we walked the first time around. It seemed like you were the one I can finally call a “dear friend” at the very least. I never wanted to fall in the first place. I had just wanted to let you know that you are an amazing person, and I felt So Weightless just thinking about you. 

STAGE 3: Pagtanggi (Rejection)

Sooo, what happened? Anyare? All of a sudden, you don’t wanna see me anymore. Just like that, I had to accept the miserable fact that we won’t be able to share with one another the things that made us friends in the first place. The worst-case scenario I had been hoping to avoid finally happens. Wala ka na sa buhay ko. You’re virtually distant from me. Alam ko na hanggang crush lang naman ‘to, and that di naman siya yung legit lover ko. Kaya naiintindihan ko kung bakit kayo nagtataka if I wrote this letter in a way na iniibig ko siya, lalo na’t di naman niya alam ‘tong lahat. You see, the power of crushes is that we get an emotional high when we enter the fantasy world, but once they press the reject button, it’s back to reality for us. We think na sila na, pero hindi pala. As much as gusto ko makihalubilo sa kanya muli, hindi talaga puwede knowing na hindi pa siya handa. It’s this same innocent fear that she experienced when we met for the first time that was ultimately used to say “hindi ko kayang makapagkita sa’yo uli”. We were both lost the first go around, and it is this same exact feeling that tells me, “She ain’t the one, even though she seems to complete everything in my checklist.” We were oh So Close to pulling it off, yet right now, we're so far from each other.

STAGE 4: Pagtanggap (Acceptance)

Mahirap ano? Mahirap lalo na kung alam mo na hindi mauulit yung mga magagandang panahon kasama siya. Me personally, I felt so devastated knowing I won’t see her anymore. Alam ko na crush lang naman, but in a way, she had a really significant place in my life, and that’s what sucks the most. Ngunit, sa paglipas ng mga araw, nakapagmunimuni ako. Self-reflection is one of the most important skills to have when playing games called Life and Love. Obviously, it made me look at my shortcomings and mistakes. What may have caused her to avoid me all of a sudden? Ano kaya ang dapat sana kong ginawa para maging magkaibigan ulit kami? Ano yung mga dapat kong gawin sa susunod kapag dumating na yung bagong crush (at sana siya na. Charot). Then again, maybe I’m not the one entirely at fault. Baka takot lang talaga siya with guys in general? Maybe now is the perfect time for us to continue on with our lives in school. She hangs with her friends…I make new ones…We both work hard…you name it. Whatever it may be, as much as I’m quick to admit my mistakes, you taught me how not to blame myself all the time nor to think that there is something wrong with who I am or what I do.

Hindsight is always 20/20, and who knows, maybe with a little time away from each other, we may reconnect in the future. But more than that, you taught me that not everything we want will always be granted. Heck, Marie Kondo is such a huge Netflix hit, and I guess we’re both decluttering our burdens and excess drama, so maybe letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me. Alam ko, sobrang hirap maka-abot sa stage na ito. Heck, I’m honestly not here yet. And I’m sure that my dad or any typical guy out there would be the first to tell me to “Move on already. Babae lang yan.” You know what, tama kayo, and I don’t dispute that one bit. However, the only things that will eventually bring us to this stage are time, time, and a little bit more time. A dose of (self) forgiveness would be helpful too. After all, they have been proven s undeniably effective remedies for the healing our wounds. And so I begin with the first step -- learning to Breathe.

So yeah, you guys can tell me that I’ve failed the dance yet again. FYI, the girl I just wrote about was the 3^rd girl already that “rejected” me, and I'm sure they will be many more. The earlier ones have their explicit, unwritten and unsaid reasons. But as I continue on with the dance, I have come to realize that I’ll always have missteps. But the secret is to keep moving; to keep trying despite falling and not being in sync with the beat and dance steps. I have learned too, that it’s totally okay to take pauses and cry a little. But I’ve learned not to be dragged down for long periods, because it ain’t
worth it when it’s all said and done. Personally, I hate this season so much, especially if it shows you other pairs working out their dances in seeming perfect harmony. But hey, imma keep trying, till I eventually find the perfect partner with whom to dance. Tuloy Pa Rin ang pagtataya at pagmamahal, mga sis at pare ko.

Yours truly,

Del Ro

PS: I hope y'all enjoyed my song choices. The first 2 videos ("Butterflies" and "Weightless") perfectly encapsulate my state of mind while being infatuated. For those who saw Enchanted, "So Close" was personally one of the most powerful songs in the OST, especially when Giselle (Amy Adams), the girl from the fairytale finds out na 'di sila puwede ni Robert (Patrick Dempsey), aka yung taga-New York. This scene related with me the most, especially after finding out na 'di kami puwede ni crush. Charot. The last 2 songs ("Breathe" and "Tuloy Pa Rin") simply just reminded me that there's more to life than just heartaches and rejections.